A Time When Thinking Less Is More...

 

Good evening, my name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019.

I have chosen to start a blog which talks about addiction, God, recovery, relapse and so much more. I thought that using memes to generate a topic would be a cool idea and as you can see the meme I chose today is very simple, yet speaks volumes; to me anyways. 

Stop overthinking...

On Tuesday nights I go to an AA "Big Book Study", tonight we were talking about step four. We were reading over pages 64 through 66. If you're not familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, step four is a writing of a personal inventory. This is where you will write down fears, resentments, sex relations, and harms done to others. After this is written out, in as great of detail as the alcoholic can gather, they discuss it with a sponsor or someone they trust. Through working this step, one is able to see their character defects and that they played a part in whatever the situation may have been - in most cases anyways. There are obvious cases, where having a part, simply does not apply - these are cases such as rape, incest, or something of that nature. This is the ground breaker for all recovery, because drinking is just a symptom. There was something more within ourselves that we were lacking , we had a spiritual malady and the solution in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is finding a Higher Power - in my case, I chose the God of the Christian faith. 

Whew, I know that was a mouthful and I hope you're still with me, because I have a few things to say about this that may not make it seem so intimidating. So, you remember yesterday's blog, when I stated that I finally had given in and admitted that I believed in God? (If you didn't read it, you can scroll down to the bottom and check it out; it should be listed there). Well, this was when I was finally able to stop overthinking. Step four had seemed like such a chore, and an absolutely frightening chore at that! Once I found God, I was able to freely write, knowing that I had been forgiven by the only one that really needed to forgive me. I wrote down everything - even if I was embarrassed or didn't know if it needed to be on there. I was purging. Not only the toxins in my body, but the toxins in my mind. I was getting rid of all of that useless clutter that has been taking up space and not paying any rent! 

When I did my fourth step, my number one offender was fear! I was afraid of everything. I was afraid to live, and I was afraid to die. I was afraid to succeed, and I was afraid to fail. Basically, I was afraid of anything and everything that was both within and completely out of my control and I would shy away from anything that would put me into a position of the unknown. Fear was on every column that I had written. It had plagued my life. One of my old sponsors had bought me a book that is called "My Friend, Fear", and when I read it, I had not done my fourth step yet, so the contents inside that book didn't really make sense to me. Once I did my fourth step and saw that fear was riddled throughout everything that I was, I knew that this was a character defect that I had to work on, and that had to begin immediately!

So that is exactly what I did, and this encompassed overthinking everything. Because I did. 

"What if this happens", or "What if that happens", and "This is not going to work". See - I set myself up for disaster right away. When my mind starts to think like that, I end up down a rabbit hole - inside my own brain, and I can't just turn that off. So, the first thing to battling my fear, and the inevitable overthinking that came as a result, was to just do. If I was afraid of something, I had to get to the bottom of why.

I am not saying that because I am afraid of heights that I would or should go to the closest base-jumping location and try it out, but instead I may go to a tall bridge and walk it, looking over the edge a few times. Recognizing that the fear that I had about heights, in this instance, is irrational and my mind is playing tricks on me. I am okay. 

Or, thinking that there is no way in heck that someone is going to hire me, so I shouldn't apply because "what's the point?" No, I am going to apply for that job because maybe they see something in me that I don't know that I have, a potential that I have yet to unlock because I am too busy overthinking how I can't do something. 

The point is, stop overthinking, and live your life. Live your life without fear, without expectations, without having to be in control. Practicing this on a daily basis for the last two years(ish) has given me so much freedom, understanding, hope and a new found peace/serenity that I didn't know existed.

I wish you the most wonderful evening, and I wish blessings on your day to follow. 

God Bless! 🙏💓

-Melissa Paige

Progress [not perfection]

 

Welcome, my name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. 

The purpose of this blog is to use memes to express and share my journey of sobriety with you. Whether you are struggling with an addiction or you know someone personally that is battling addiction, I hope that it will bring some comfort within your lives. 

After my five month on/off relapse, I checked myself into treatment for the second time. I was fed up with who I was. The drinking had rapidly progressed and I knew that things needed to change or I was going to become the person I was before I went to treatment the first time - and that was a very, very scary thought. 

Let me just give you an idea of who I was before I had my awakening. I was a full-blown alcoholic. I drank from the moment that I woke up, until the moment that I passed out - and then I would wake up and drink again. I could not hold a job (mostly because I was having seizures on the job, but also because I would come in drunk). I was taking classes and just dropping them mid-way through. I didn't have a driver's license. I had a boyfriend, at the time, that was just as big of a drinker as I was (I am not sure that he is an alcoholic). Literally the list goes on, and my heart just hurts for her. 💔

Okay, enough of the horror!! 

My day one, on round two of recovery I made myself a promise. I told myself that I was going to give this the fairest shot that I could. I was going to give it 110%. I was really going to try. I had attended church and was trying to get a relationship with my Higher Power, whom I was calling GUS (Guy upstairs). I really wasn't getting much of a connection though, which is pretty clear considering I relapsed. 

Anyways, I had the same counselor at the treatment facility that I went to both times, her name was Nora. She was tough. She kept asking questions. And I remember the first time that she heard me calling God "GUS" - she would not let it go. Which I am so grateful for. She brought out of me that I was afraid to admit I believed in God and Jesus - because of how I thought people would feel about it. This was when she drilled into me, that it's the God of MY UNDERSTANDING, not anyone else's. 

Once I let God in, though, that was when the magic started to happen. I was able to give all of my fears to him, so I had nothing to be afraid of anymore as I walked through this new life. This was all just the beginning. The first steps to something that is so much greater now. 

I have a full-time job, where I have been promoted twice, and been there for a little over two years. I moved from a 3/4 house to my own place a couple minutes away from my work. This was perfect for when I didn't have my license for a year and a half, as I could walk to work and back without an issue. Well, there was a lot of construction - but when there is a will, there is a way! I have a cat; his name is Brian. I am for the first time in my life, single, and really enjoying where this journey is taking me. I just got my license and leased a car all on my own a little over three months ago. I also just got my associates degree. My list goes on. 

All of these things transpired because I continued to do one small thing after the next. And they added up. It all started with believing. Believing in myself, believing in Jesus, believing in the power of the universe to guide me where I needed to go; completely fearless. 

If there is one thing that I always need to hear, because it is so easy to forget when things get hard is, "Keep Moving". One foot in front of the other. You will get to the top of that mountain, and you will learn many things along the way. May your blessings be bountiful. 

Until next time,

God Bless 🙏💓 

- Melissa Paige -

Failure Is Really Opportunity...

 

My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019.

This blog is a personal blog that encompasses my thoughts regarding recovery using memes I found on the internet to bring inspiration to my writing. I hope what you find here, brings some sort of understanding to your life. Whether that be in recovery, or not. 

This particular meme brings me back to when I was just starting out on my journey. I was so lost. I had checked myself into treatment for the first time, and had no idea what to expect. I completed the program and went back to my parents' house - even though the counselors there were stressing that I should go to a three-quarter house. I didn't, and after going to meetings that were not teaching me the solution, I ended up drinking again after about 5 months. 

I ended up checking myself back into rehab about 5 months after that. I had an on/off relapse that lasted approximately the whole 5 months, and I finally recognized I couldn't get sober again alone. This time, though, I remembered the reasons that I had failed the first time. 

I recognized that I didn't know anything, that I was going to have to change everything and that the only way that this was possible was to shut up and listen to the suggestions of the people that I was asking for help from. So, that is exactly what I did. I failed and I restarted more intelligently. I came in with an open mind. I was willing to do the work that was entailed in recovering from this illness, and I was ready to be honest - with everyone, including myself. 

What sobriety has taught me is that failure is not the end. Failure is really just a beginning. 

The beginning of learning something a new way. If you fail, get back up - brush yourself off- and try the heck again! The only one that is holding you back is yourself; so, think outside of that small box that you THINK you belong in. Your box is meant to be much bigger. 

God has given me a new foundation for life. A new trust in Him, and in myself. Lay your troubles before God, and He will help you solve them. 

As always, be safe and God bless! 🙏🙌

-Melissa Paige