Giving Thanks

                                           

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    

My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. 

The purpose of this blog is to show that recovery is possible, if one is willing to try. I have chosen the theme of this blog to be "memes". I will provide a meme and then I will provide a summary of how it applies to my life, my sobriety, my relationship with God, among so many other things. I aim to show people that while recovery can be scary, making your way through the fear is one of the best parts of the journey.

I chose this meme for today, because of the obvious, it is Thanksgiving and we should be listing all of the things that we are thankful for. Throughout my journey there has been hardships, there has been distrust, there has been heartache, death, anger, anxiety, fear - the list just continues. But, one thing has remained constant throughout all of it, and that is God. 

In the beginning, finding Him was the hard part - because I was afraid that He wouldn't hear me, or that he wouldn't even want to hear me. I had made quite the impression that I didn't want to have anything to do with Him at any other point in my life. 

It took me relapsing and figuring out that the God I was trying to seek wasn't going to be found by other people telling me how to believe, it was to come based on my willingness to believe. I heard it in the rooms somewhere and loved it immediately, someone stated, "God is a gentleman and will not go where He is not invited".

How true is that?!

When I finally opened up my heart to Him, and to what He could offer me, that was when He made His presence known, Legit, KNOWN. This was the moment that I surrendered and realized that every part of my life that I was trying to influence based on my own self-will was crumbling before my eyes. 

Letting God in, was HANDS DOWN, the best decision I could have ever possibly made. Obviously quitting drinking was the most important decision, because that led me to become willing, but the rest was history once I let Jesus take the wheel. 

The things that have changed in my life, that I am beyond grateful for are not only monetary assets, but also things that I didn't remember existed - like laughter, self-love, relationships that are not toxic, a sound mind, and just plain old peace. These are just a few of the things that I had reflected on today as I got to spend a wonderful evening with amazing people who are so happy to have back a person, they thought they had lost for good.

And, 

God did that. 

For anyone thinking they may have a problem with drinking, know that I have been where you are. You are strong, much stronger than you think - and with God on your team (you have to let him in), there are no limits to who you can become. 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and God bless! 🙌🙏💓

From Mass Destruction to Mass Construction

 

Good evening!

        My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24th, 2019. I have decided to start a blog covering topics such as alcoholism, addiction, surrender, God, etc., and using memes to provide the topic itself. I mean, who can't identify with a meme? When I saw tonight's meme, I knew immediately I wanted to use it for a blog discussion! 

    Tonight, is the night before my 3-year anniversary. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't amazed. While I knew I had a lot of inner strength, somewhere buried deep down underneath all of the lies myself and other people put into my head throughout the years, I had no idea how to tap into that inner strength until about 3 or 4 days from now - 3 years ago. There was a trial-and-error period before I understood how to maintain sobriety; this is not something that I had learned overnight.

    Throughout the years I have had many days of laughter, quite a few days of crying, anger stepped in on occasion and was quickly brought to forgiveness. Resentments are one of my biggest adversaries in this new lifestyle I am trying to lead, right behind fear. While all of those days included something that was generally out of my control, I remained humble - because every day I learned something new. I don't mean new in the sense of information - it was more learning about my intuition and my strength which is provided by none other than, God. 

    Prior to entering into the sober lifestyle, I had a really hard time maintaining life period. In the last two years of my active addiction, I was consuming, on average, a fifth of whisky per day. I was in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis and seizures. I ended up calculating that in the last two years of my using days I was in the hospital for over half a year in combined visits. I was fired from the job that I had for almost 10 years as a bartender because I was drinking on the job. Upon looking for a new place to work, I could not hold a job because I was having seizures while working from not drinking for a little over 15 hours. I was failing out of classes, unless I dropped them first - which was more likely. My family never invited me to any family function, family vacation, family dinners, etc. My friends were dropping like flies - they just wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was an absolute, and utter disaster. 

    How great God is with His timing and His wisdom of how He chooses to send His messages. While sleeping one night I had a nightmare that woke me up. Since I thought that it was just the television that was causing the bad dreams, I proceeded to turn off the television and go back to sleep. Falling into another dream I find myself within a church, walking past the pews. I see my family and my friends congregated in the front and a casket just beyond them. Everyone is grieving. I walked up to the casket, looked inside, and saw myself. 

    In that moment I woke up into reality and was in the midst of a full-blown panic attack. Tears are streaming down my face like a waterfall. My hands and feet are clenching so tight, and I can't seem to loosen the grip. My breath is short and becoming increasingly hard to catch. And my mind was racing faster than I had ever felt before. After a few moments of forcing a deep breath or two, I was able to ease up a little. I looked on the side of my bed and saw about 15 empty bottles and just wondered how I had gotten here. Something inside me reached for the laptop and began my mission of finding a treatment center - which had never once before been an inkling in my mind. 

    Long story short, I went to treatment. I was there for 5 days on Adavan before I asked to be taken off so I could start the residential program. The day that I was taken off, it was a Sunday, I had my first full meal in a very, very long time; French toast sticks! (I will never forget it). Walking back to the room with another client I fell out and had my 8th and final seizure that I am aware of. I cracked my head and had to be transported to the hospital to get a staple in my head. While there the doctor looked me dead in the eye and said, "Melissa, science tells me that you should not be living right now, but here you are - let's get your levels back to semi-normal, shall we?". To tell you that I was beside myself when he presented this information, would be an understatement. That day and the 3 or four days following I was pumped full of potassium and magnesium among a few other vitamins and nutrients, had 2 blood transfusions, healed from pancreatitis, and found out I was anemic - among other things, I am sure. After my stay at the hospital, I went back to treatment to finish the remainder of my stay. 

This was not the last time that I drank, though, I ended up getting about 5 months sober, and some things fell apart in my life. I ended up using my old coping mechanisms to battle the problems that I was facing. I had taken some of the suggestions when leaving treatment, but not nearly enough to be confident that I could make it through the day without needing that "liquid courage". After a 5 month of on again and off again drinking - trying to quit on my own accord - I realized that I needed to go back into treatment. This time, I went in with a 110% attitude. I took every suggestion and even sought out more suggestions. If someone was offering some kind of help to get my life back on track, I was there and listening. Taking everything in.

    I went to the 3/4 house, I stayed for a few months. I learned a lot of valuable lessons that I could not have learned anywhere else. Things such as patience, tolerance, forgiveness, respect, honesty, fairness, -- I literally could keep going for forever! Living with 18 other females, whom are all different ages and from different walks of life, who are all recovering from a different drug of choice - there is bound to be some issues. Luckily, I was able to learn and prosper from all of the lessons that God was letting me experience and in such a short period of time! 

   

    I left the 3/4 house after 3 and a half months and found my own place to stay within walking distance of the place that I was employed. I didn't have my license for the first 2 years of sobriety. The rent was super cheap, the area was rather nice, and it was my OWN place. That was the best part. I didn't have to carry a giant backpack with all my valuables anymore, I didn't have to hide my make up or my toilet paper, I was free to come and go as I pleased - no curfew, no questions! I have now been living in this apartment for a little over 2 and a half years. I have a kitty named Brian, who just turned 2! I have since gotten my license and in September that will mark a year of having that back with restrictions. I have that sweet little blow box in my vehicle! LOL! I have been with my employer for almost 3 years, the end of September marks that!

    While I did lose a large number of "friends" in this transition in my life, the friends that no longer wanted to be around began coming around again. My family was beginning to invite my places again. First to family dinners, and then family functions and I am super happy to report I have even been invited on their family vacations. None of this would have been possible without coming into the life of sobriety, and I never would have been able to find this life of sobriety without first finding God. He is the one that has made this whole thing possible. Some people say, "You did this, Melissa, it's not God", I implore them to tell me then, why I couldn't do it until I met Him? -- which wasn't until the second time that I was in treatment despite trying to find Him, that is a story for another blog post. This has definitely exceeded my normal word count. 

    The point of giving you all of this information is to show you that it is possible, no matter how far down you have gone to come back - until it is too late. Now is the best time to make that choice for YOU. Because YOU are worth it. I don't know you, and I know that you're worth more than whatever drug, drink, relationship, situation, or feeling is telling you that you're not. Remember those are the words of Satan, and he has no home in your heart, mind, body, or soul. I am living proof that the devil's stronghold can be weakened and broken with the Word. 

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future". - Jeramiah 29:11

Blessings to you always,

-Melissa Paige 🙏💞

All Things Are Possible With GOD!!!

Good evening!

 My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. The purpose of this blog is to use memes to discuss topics such as alcoholism, addiction, God, Jesus, surrender and so much more. I thought that memes would be a fun and creative ways to get ideas flowing - who can't identify with memes?! If there is something in particular that you would like me to explore topic wise, drop it in the comments and I will post on that subject! 

Back in November of 2021 I started this blog, and I wrote 5 posts - all of which I was really happy with; but there's this side of Melissa, go figure, that likes immediate gratification. (No wonder I became an alcoholic, LOL, when I didn't feel the first shot in 2.5 seconds, I was off to taking another, and then another, and then another... you get the point - 45 minutes later and I was annihilated. Black out drunk. That happened often.) Well, when I didn't see anyone viewing the blog, I thought, what's the point? And then, I made a promise to God, if the blog started to generate views, I would pick it back up. 

Well, what do you know, within the past month and a half I have generated 42 views. Most of the views were within the United States, which is where I am from. But I saw a couple from Indonesia, and one from Norway! How cool! Regardless of where the views were from, I have to honor the promise that I made to God, my loving and so merciful Father. For the number of things that He has given to me, in such a short period of time nonetheless, I owe him this one tiny thing - if not my life. I am forever indebted to Him for the mercy and grace He has bestowed upon me. 

So, here's a little background to why this meme touched my soul. 

For 29 years, I struggled with life, or at least the 29 years I do remember. I never really believed in God, per se. I believed that there was something more, something bigger than me and that I couldn't explain it, but I never really referred to it as God. I struggled with family relationships, friendships, school, jobs, love, the law - literally name it and I probably struggled with it. Alcohol was the only thing, for many, many years, that I didn't struggle with. Until one day I realized that this was the very thing that was contributing to all of my struggles.

Don't get me wrong, I was not drinking since I was 5 years old, I had struggles in life for other reasons - I am sure the struggles were all internal and I just didn't know how to express them then, but I do believe that your younger years mold the adolescent years, which in turn mold who you become as an adult. Its compounding. But the booze and the drugs sure did help to not hate myself so much, when I was old enough to really hate myself. And so began my journey with out-of-control Melissa. 

I  checked into treatment at the age of 29 after a nightmare of seeing myself in a casket scared the crap out of me enough to check into one. I was there for 5 days, on sedatives, and on the 5th day was taken off by choice to be able to begin the 21-day program and ended up having a seizure. I was transported to the hospital to get a staple in my head where the doctor says to me, "Science tells me you should not be living, but here you are.. let's get you back to healthy again, shall we?" - Apparently all of my blood levels were so low, he was amazed that I was even conscious and alert, let alone still living. Can you imagine what was going through my head with having a dream about seeing myself in a casket but 5 days before this?! 

After getting out of the hospital I went back to treatment and stayed for the duration of the program. I didn't take every suggestion, but I did take a few; meetings, a sponsor, church, getting a job, etc. I did good for about 4 months and then the old behaviors began coming back. Even though I was going to church, and I was trying to find the God of my understanding, I was still struggling. I ended up relapsing after the fourth month and continued to relapse on and off for another 5 months before I finally checked myself back into treatment. 

I went back with a 150% attitude. I was determined to do whatever it takes to win over my battle with alcoholism. It all began when the counselor at the treatment place called me out when I kept calling God, Gus.

"Why are you afraid to admit you believe in God?", she said - that made me mad!!  

‘Gus is the God of my understanding.’

"Knock it off" were not the exact words that she used, but for the sake of time we will use that for what she had said to me. It then came out that I was afraid to admit I believed in God because I was afraid that other people were going to tell me HOW to believe. And then, right after, she says one last time, "a God of YOUR understanding", a lightbulb went on. I could see. The wall fell to the ground. I said it for the first time in a really long time, but this time I really, really meant it. 

I believe in God! 

Literally from that day on, life was just easier. I was able to learn about Him without hearing how I needed to believe, or how I was supposed to pray and what I was even supposed to pray about. I was free to be guided by OUR relationship, mine and HIS. Not His and yours, or hers, or theirs - mine. 

My life is now manageable. I am not hopeless anymore. I have a relationship, a great one at that, with my family. All of the friends that I had driven away during my addiction are making their way back into my life. I have maintained a job and been promoted multiple times. The number of successes that I have had in the last 2 and a half years just blows my mind, and I owe all of that to one thing and one thing only, God.

If you're currently struggling with addiction and you don't know how to find the God of YOUR understanding, a great way to start is to just practice being open. Ask for Him to seek you. Someone once said to me, "God is a gentleman, He will only go where He is invited."

Invite Him into your life, and He will surely make Himself known - you just have to be open, willing and honest! Much love to everyone out there, in and out of addiction. May today, tomorrow, and the hereafter bring you many blessings.

 God Bless! 🙏💞

- Melissa Paige -

Heros

 

Hey there! My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. 

I began this blog as a way to express my recovery, I thought using memes would be a unique and cool way to get discussions started, because who can't identify with memes? I hope that in some way my experiences can touch a soul. 

So, this IS my story... 

I needed a hero, and I didn't have the slightest idea where to begin to look. At first, I saw the people that were at the hospitals, like the doctors and nurses, that were helping me to get well as my hero. And then I saw the people in treatment, like my counselor and the Chaplin, as my hero. And then the people in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous were my hero. And then I met God, in all his infinite glory, and He became my hero. The thing is though, all of them could only do so much. 

There was work that needed to be done. I had to step up to the plate and bat for myself. People may have helped me get somewhere, but the only reason that I am standing where I am today (on my own two feet), it because I decided that enough was enough, and I wanted to take back control of my life.

It took a lot of time to get where I am today. Some of the progress came through the meetings and the program of AA, but a lot of the work came from the inner strength of God, my cheerleader, constantly reminding me that I am worthy or whatever my heart desires. 

Life is not meant to be easy, and sometimes God doesn't always respond right away. Drinking is no longer an option, sometimes people don't answer their phones, and my cat just wants to be a jerk. It's in those times, those awful and trying times, that I remember - this girl right here - is the best hero of them all. 

I am saved. Because I let myself be saved by God. I am my hero. 

As always, God bless. 🙏💓

-Melissa Paige

A Time When Thinking Less Is More...

 

Good evening, my name is Melissa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019.

I have chosen to start a blog which talks about addiction, God, recovery, relapse and so much more. I thought that using memes to generate a topic would be a cool idea and as you can see the meme I chose today is very simple, yet speaks volumes; to me anyways. 

Stop overthinking...

On Tuesday nights I go to an AA "Big Book Study", tonight we were talking about step four. We were reading over pages 64 through 66. If you're not familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, step four is a writing of a personal inventory. This is where you will write down fears, resentments, sex relations, and harms done to others. After this is written out, in as great of detail as the alcoholic can gather, they discuss it with a sponsor or someone they trust. Through working this step, one is able to see their character defects and that they played a part in whatever the situation may have been - in most cases anyways. There are obvious cases, where having a part, simply does not apply - these are cases such as rape, incest, or something of that nature. This is the ground breaker for all recovery, because drinking is just a symptom. There was something more within ourselves that we were lacking , we had a spiritual malady and the solution in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is finding a Higher Power - in my case, I chose the God of the Christian faith. 

Whew, I know that was a mouthful and I hope you're still with me, because I have a few things to say about this that may not make it seem so intimidating. So, you remember yesterday's blog, when I stated that I finally had given in and admitted that I believed in God? (If you didn't read it, you can scroll down to the bottom and check it out; it should be listed there). Well, this was when I was finally able to stop overthinking. Step four had seemed like such a chore, and an absolutely frightening chore at that! Once I found God, I was able to freely write, knowing that I had been forgiven by the only one that really needed to forgive me. I wrote down everything - even if I was embarrassed or didn't know if it needed to be on there. I was purging. Not only the toxins in my body, but the toxins in my mind. I was getting rid of all of that useless clutter that has been taking up space and not paying any rent! 

When I did my fourth step, my number one offender was fear! I was afraid of everything. I was afraid to live, and I was afraid to die. I was afraid to succeed, and I was afraid to fail. Basically, I was afraid of anything and everything that was both within and completely out of my control and I would shy away from anything that would put me into a position of the unknown. Fear was on every column that I had written. It had plagued my life. One of my old sponsors had bought me a book that is called "My Friend, Fear", and when I read it, I had not done my fourth step yet, so the contents inside that book didn't really make sense to me. Once I did my fourth step and saw that fear was riddled throughout everything that I was, I knew that this was a character defect that I had to work on, and that had to begin immediately!

So that is exactly what I did, and this encompassed overthinking everything. Because I did. 

"What if this happens", or "What if that happens", and "This is not going to work". See - I set myself up for disaster right away. When my mind starts to think like that, I end up down a rabbit hole - inside my own brain, and I can't just turn that off. So, the first thing to battling my fear, and the inevitable overthinking that came as a result, was to just do. If I was afraid of something, I had to get to the bottom of why.

I am not saying that because I am afraid of heights that I would or should go to the closest base-jumping location and try it out, but instead I may go to a tall bridge and walk it, looking over the edge a few times. Recognizing that the fear that I had about heights, in this instance, is irrational and my mind is playing tricks on me. I am okay. 

Or, thinking that there is no way in heck that someone is going to hire me, so I shouldn't apply because "what's the point?" No, I am going to apply for that job because maybe they see something in me that I don't know that I have, a potential that I have yet to unlock because I am too busy overthinking how I can't do something. 

The point is, stop overthinking, and live your life. Live your life without fear, without expectations, without having to be in control. Practicing this on a daily basis for the last two years(ish) has given me so much freedom, understanding, hope and a new found peace/serenity that I didn't know existed.

I wish you the most wonderful evening, and I wish blessings on your day to follow. 

God Bless! 🙏💓

-Melissa Paige

Progress [not perfection]

 

Welcome, my name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. 

The purpose of this blog is to use memes to express and share my journey of sobriety with you. Whether you are struggling with an addiction or you know someone personally that is battling addiction, I hope that it will bring some comfort within your lives. 

After my five month on/off relapse, I checked myself into treatment for the second time. I was fed up with who I was. The drinking had rapidly progressed and I knew that things needed to change or I was going to become the person I was before I went to treatment the first time - and that was a very, very scary thought. 

Let me just give you an idea of who I was before I had my awakening. I was a full-blown alcoholic. I drank from the moment that I woke up, until the moment that I passed out - and then I would wake up and drink again. I could not hold a job (mostly because I was having seizures on the job, but also because I would come in drunk). I was taking classes and just dropping them mid-way through. I didn't have a driver's license. I had a boyfriend, at the time, that was just as big of a drinker as I was (I am not sure that he is an alcoholic). Literally the list goes on, and my heart just hurts for her. 💔

Okay, enough of the horror!! 

My day one, on round two of recovery I made myself a promise. I told myself that I was going to give this the fairest shot that I could. I was going to give it 110%. I was really going to try. I had attended church and was trying to get a relationship with my Higher Power, whom I was calling GUS (Guy upstairs). I really wasn't getting much of a connection though, which is pretty clear considering I relapsed. 

Anyways, I had the same counselor at the treatment facility that I went to both times, her name was Nora. She was tough. She kept asking questions. And I remember the first time that she heard me calling God "GUS" - she would not let it go. Which I am so grateful for. She brought out of me that I was afraid to admit I believed in God and Jesus - because of how I thought people would feel about it. This was when she drilled into me, that it's the God of MY UNDERSTANDING, not anyone else's. 

Once I let God in, though, that was when the magic started to happen. I was able to give all of my fears to him, so I had nothing to be afraid of anymore as I walked through this new life. This was all just the beginning. The first steps to something that is so much greater now. 

I have a full-time job, where I have been promoted twice, and been there for a little over two years. I moved from a 3/4 house to my own place a couple minutes away from my work. This was perfect for when I didn't have my license for a year and a half, as I could walk to work and back without an issue. Well, there was a lot of construction - but when there is a will, there is a way! I have a cat; his name is Brian. I am for the first time in my life, single, and really enjoying where this journey is taking me. I just got my license and leased a car all on my own a little over three months ago. I also just got my associates degree. My list goes on. 

All of these things transpired because I continued to do one small thing after the next. And they added up. It all started with believing. Believing in myself, believing in Jesus, believing in the power of the universe to guide me where I needed to go; completely fearless. 

If there is one thing that I always need to hear, because it is so easy to forget when things get hard is, "Keep Moving". One foot in front of the other. You will get to the top of that mountain, and you will learn many things along the way. May your blessings be bountiful. 

Until next time,

God Bless 🙏💓 

- Melissa Paige -

Failure Is Really Opportunity...

 

My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019.

This blog is a personal blog that encompasses my thoughts regarding recovery using memes I found on the internet to bring inspiration to my writing. I hope what you find here, brings some sort of understanding to your life. Whether that be in recovery, or not. 

This particular meme brings me back to when I was just starting out on my journey. I was so lost. I had checked myself into treatment for the first time, and had no idea what to expect. I completed the program and went back to my parents' house - even though the counselors there were stressing that I should go to a three-quarter house. I didn't, and after going to meetings that were not teaching me the solution, I ended up drinking again after about 5 months. 

I ended up checking myself back into rehab about 5 months after that. I had an on/off relapse that lasted approximately the whole 5 months, and I finally recognized I couldn't get sober again alone. This time, though, I remembered the reasons that I had failed the first time. 

I recognized that I didn't know anything, that I was going to have to change everything and that the only way that this was possible was to shut up and listen to the suggestions of the people that I was asking for help from. So, that is exactly what I did. I failed and I restarted more intelligently. I came in with an open mind. I was willing to do the work that was entailed in recovering from this illness, and I was ready to be honest - with everyone, including myself. 

What sobriety has taught me is that failure is not the end. Failure is really just a beginning. 

The beginning of learning something a new way. If you fail, get back up - brush yourself off- and try the heck again! The only one that is holding you back is yourself; so, think outside of that small box that you THINK you belong in. Your box is meant to be much bigger. 

God has given me a new foundation for life. A new trust in Him, and in myself. Lay your troubles before God, and He will help you solve them. 

As always, be safe and God bless! 🙏🙌

-Melissa Paige