Good evening!
My name is Melissa, and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 24, 2019. The purpose of this blog is to use memes to discuss topics such as alcoholism, addiction, God, Jesus, surrender and so much more. I thought that memes would be a fun and creative ways to get ideas flowing - who can't identify with memes?! If there is something in particular that you would like me to explore topic wise, drop it in the comments and I will post on that subject!
Back in November of 2021 I started this blog, and I wrote 5 posts - all of which I was really happy with; but there's this side of Melissa, go figure, that likes immediate gratification. (No wonder I became an alcoholic, LOL, when I didn't feel the first shot in 2.5 seconds, I was off to taking another, and then another, and then another... you get the point - 45 minutes later and I was annihilated. Black out drunk. That happened often.) Well, when I didn't see anyone viewing the blog, I thought, what's the point? And then, I made a promise to God, if the blog started to generate views, I would pick it back up.
Well, what do you know, within the past month and a half I have generated 42 views. Most of the views were within the United States, which is where I am from. But I saw a couple from Indonesia, and one from Norway! How cool! Regardless of where the views were from, I have to honor the promise that I made to God, my loving and so merciful Father. For the number of things that He has given to me, in such a short period of time nonetheless, I owe him this one tiny thing - if not my life. I am forever indebted to Him for the mercy and grace He has bestowed upon me.
So, here's a little background to why this meme touched my soul.
For 29 years, I struggled with life, or at least the 29 years I do remember. I never really believed in God, per se. I believed that there was something more, something bigger than me and that I couldn't explain it, but I never really referred to it as God. I struggled with family relationships, friendships, school, jobs, love, the law - literally name it and I probably struggled with it. Alcohol was the only thing, for many, many years, that I didn't struggle with. Until one day I realized that this was the very thing that was contributing to all of my struggles.
Don't get me wrong, I was not drinking since I was 5 years old, I had struggles in life for other reasons - I am sure the struggles were all internal and I just didn't know how to express them then, but I do believe that your younger years mold the adolescent years, which in turn mold who you become as an adult. Its compounding. But the booze and the drugs sure did help to not hate myself so much, when I was old enough to really hate myself. And so began my journey with out-of-control Melissa.
I checked into treatment at the age of 29 after a nightmare of seeing myself in a casket scared the crap out of me enough to check into one. I was there for 5 days, on sedatives, and on the 5th day was taken off by choice to be able to begin the 21-day program and ended up having a seizure. I was transported to the hospital to get a staple in my head where the doctor says to me, "Science tells me you should not be living, but here you are.. let's get you back to healthy again, shall we?" - Apparently all of my blood levels were so low, he was amazed that I was even conscious and alert, let alone still living. Can you imagine what was going through my head with having a dream about seeing myself in a casket but 5 days before this?!
After getting out of the hospital I went back to treatment and stayed for the duration of the program. I didn't take every suggestion, but I did take a few; meetings, a sponsor, church, getting a job, etc. I did good for about 4 months and then the old behaviors began coming back. Even though I was going to church, and I was trying to find the God of my understanding, I was still struggling. I ended up relapsing after the fourth month and continued to relapse on and off for another 5 months before I finally checked myself back into treatment.
I went back with a 150% attitude. I was determined to do whatever it takes to win over my battle with alcoholism. It all began when the counselor at the treatment place called me out when I kept calling God, Gus.
"Why are you afraid to admit you believe in God?", she said - that made me mad!!
‘Gus is the God of my understanding.’
"Knock it off" were not the exact words that she used, but for the sake of time we will use that for what she had said to me. It then came out that I was afraid to admit I believed in God because I was afraid that other people were going to tell me HOW to believe. And then, right after, she says one last time, "a God of YOUR understanding", a lightbulb went on. I could see. The wall fell to the ground. I said it for the first time in a really long time, but this time I really, really meant it.
I believe in God!
Literally from that day on, life was just easier. I was able to learn about Him without hearing how I needed to believe, or how I was supposed to pray and what I was even supposed to pray about. I was free to be guided by OUR relationship, mine and HIS. Not His and yours, or hers, or theirs - mine.
My life is now manageable. I am not hopeless anymore. I have a relationship, a great one at that, with my family. All of the friends that I had driven away during my addiction are making their way back into my life. I have maintained a job and been promoted multiple times. The number of successes that I have had in the last 2 and a half years just blows my mind, and I owe all of that to one thing and one thing only, God.
If you're currently struggling with addiction and you don't know how to find the God of YOUR understanding, a great way to start is to just practice being open. Ask for Him to seek you. Someone once said to me, "God is a gentleman, He will only go where He is invited."
Invite Him into your life, and He will surely make Himself known - you just have to be open, willing and honest! Much love to everyone out there, in and out of addiction. May today, tomorrow, and the hereafter bring you many blessings.
God Bless! 🙏💞
- Melissa Paige -
